Broken & Grace at Christmas

Christmas time at our house was filled with many amazing moments and memories.  We delivered goodies to members in the community who were working Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, baked treats to share with the kids teachers and passed out homemade caramels to bank tellers, gas station attendants and others that help us throughout the year.  My mom came to visit over the holidays for several days which included shopping, gathering around the table playing games as a family, laughing til we cry… over and over.  Christmas was filled with so many fun and happy times together with family.

And yet, the most memorable part of Christmas included heartbreak.

Christmas at our house includes each of my boys having a 7 foot tree of their very own to decorate with their own special ornaments. My mom buys them 2, 3 or 4 ornaments every year that tells a story about their year- the activities they like (BMX racing, cooking, xbox), places we visited (Florida) , things that happened (broken arm).  It’s a tradition mom started 13 years ago when my oldest celebrated his first Christmas.  While all the boys enjoy the ornaments, my middle son is the one who so dearly cherishes the memories these ornaments hold.  At 11 years old, his collection includes several dozen already but every year he picks the same ornament to put on the tree first.  He looks through his entire box until he finds the ornament Grandma Jan gave him the year he was born.  Baby’s First Christmas 2004 ornament.  That is admired with such pride before it adorns the tree.  Then he continues with the rest of the ornaments.

We had someone over to look at the fireplace right after Christmas and John’s tree needed moved.  Without hesitating, I slid it over and when I did the tree tilted a bit.   And as you’ve probably already guessed….John’s special ornament shattered.

I felt so bad.  My heart broke for John.  He was just a few feet from the tree when this happened.  When he saw which one broke he turned on his stomach, buried his head in the pillow in the living room and cried.  He did not stomp his feet.  He did not say mean things to me.  He did not give me the evil eye.  He cried.  He cried and all I could do was run to him, say I’m sorry and hug him.  Then He accepted my apology.  I was forgiven.

His ability to handle the situation amazed me.  He knew it was an accident so there is no need to show anger or hate towards me. The level of grace he showed me made me cry.

And that’s when it hit me… how many times does God show us supreme grace towards us for the accidents and poor choices we make each and every day?   While God may cry for us, he’s waiting for us to run to Him, so he can comfort us and we can ask for forgiveness.  And can you imagine how many more tears He sheds for us, when we are lost, and don’t seek Him.

God used John in that moment to help me find my own way back to Him.  After a few years of clinging to God because I knew I couldn’t survive without Him, 2015 was a year of me thinking, “okay, life’s looking up. I got this”.  I ended up feeling lost because my connection with God was weakening.

While I am sad for the heart that cried when the ornament shattered, I am also thankful.  Thankful because I was reminded of what my heart needs.  It needs to find that yearning for an intimate relationship with God again.  My son helped add the fuel to my soul to get that fire burning strong again.

May He set a fire in my soul that I can’t control!