Death & Divorce

Death & Divorce.  Two very different paths resulting often in similar sadness.  I would argue that divorce is just as hard as losing a spouse to death.   And my mom, who became a widow 25 years ago, would argue divorce is even harder.

My dad was killed in a farming accident when I was in high school.   My husband (now ex) made a choice not to be my husband anymore.

My mom says divorce is worse than a spouse dying.  Even worse is watching your child endure the pain of a spouse leaving.  I completely understand mom feeling more pain watching her children hurt and unable to help.  I would accept suffering if it meant I could keep my kids from pain.

My dad loved her ’til death do us part’.  With divorce, that promise is broken.  And it hurts. A lot.

The 5 stages of normal grief that were first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying” are 1) denial and isolation 2) anger 3) bargaining 4) depression and 5) acceptance.  I certainly experienced these same stages of grief with my divorce.

Everyone works through these stages differently and at their own pace.  There is no proper amount of time.  There is no right way to do it.  It is YOUR story.  If you’re struggling with a loss of any kind, although I pray you can get to the acceptance stage quickly, it is important you work through each stage taking all the time you need.

Are you dealing with the death of a spouse or divorce?  You’re gonna survive.  And so are your kids.  Not only survive, but thrive!

Following my dad’s death, I went through the same stages of grief I experienced when my marriage ended.  Neither were easy.

What does my mom remember following dad’s death?  Not a lot.  She was in a complete fog going through the necessary motions barely surviving each day.  She cried a lot.  She was sad.  She was angry.  She was trying to learn her new normal.

What do I remember about my mom following dad’s death?  A lot.

I remember her getting so mad at me when she found out I skipped school one morning.  And then I remember the tears she had running down her face a couple months later when she opened up her Christmas present.  My brothers and I ‘skipped’ school (with my principal in cahoots) because we snuck in town to get pictures of the 3 of us and gave them to her the first Christmas after dad died.  I remember the happy tears she cried… and I cried them too.  Driving to Chicago to look for a prom dress, bus trip to Canada to watch Les Miserables, mom being a chaperone to our school trip to overseas. I remember her letting me buy these ridiculous training shoes that would help increase my vertical jump for basketball when she knew full well I wasn’t going to actually have the dedication to use them. ha!  I remember the games she’d be sitting in the stands and cheering me on.  I remember the conversations we had about boys before I went to homecoming.   The talks we had after a boy broke my heart.  And the conversation we had after I got in a fight with a classmate.  I remember the embarrassing day when mom came in to the bathroom with a box full of tampons and sat on the edge of the tub explaining how to use them.  Oh she couldn’t get out of there fast enough as far as I was concerned.  🙂  I remember mom letting me sleep as long as possible before I had to get up for school.  I remember being around the kitchen island with her and my friends as she’s making us play these silly games that had us laughing so hard.  I remember all the times she welcomed my friends, teammates, committees, and even strangers to our home and provided a smorgasbord of food, drinks and hospitality with a smile on her face and laughter filling the room.  I remember mom always covering me up with the comfiest blanket in the house when I was sick.

What I remember is her love.

What do I remember after my husband left me?  Not a lot.  I was in a complete fog going through the necessary motions barely surviving each day.  I cried a lot.  I was sad.  I was angry.  I was confused. I was trying to learn my new normal.

What will my boys remember about me in the years after my husband left me?  A lot.

What they will remember is my love.

Love is so good.  God is so good.  God’s love is so good!   

No matter what life is throwing at you, no matter how dazed and confused you feel, please know that even when you’re in a fog keep showing up, keep loving and keep faking it until you are making it again.  Those who love you will always remember and feel your love even on your toughest days.  They will remember what is most important… your love.

XOXOXO

~Heather

 

Heather is the owner of Sweet Lemonade Photography and co-owner of Sweet Darling Weddings.  Life gave her a bunch of lemons (you can read a little more here) and by keeping her focus on God, finding the positive in each day, and surrounding herself with supporting, loving and encouraging people she has turned those lemons into the sweetest lemonade.  This blog has been created to share her heart, her adventures and find ways to bless others.  You can contact her at heather@sweetlemonadelife.com.