It’s been 25 years since my dad died. I was a freshman in high school. Lots of things have happened since he was electrocuted while working on our grain bins. I sure wish he was here to be a part of my life. I graduated high school, college, got married (and divorced), had 3 boys, and plenty of small moments in between the big that I wish he could have enjoyed with us.
Yesterday I went to the cemetery to leave flowers on my dad’s and grandfather’s graves, both of whom served in the military. Memorial Day is to honor those who died serving our country but it’s the one time each year I usually go to his grave. I think of my dad often but have never visited his grave often. New life has begun again in central Illinois this time of year…. the grass is green, the flowers are blooming and it’s when I choose to go and add flowers myself.
Yesterday, it hit me harder than usual going to his grave. The boys are usually with me when I go but yesterday they weren’t. So I had silence. I was alone with my thoughts.
Thoughts of knowing that my own boys, never had a chance to meet him. They hear stories. From the way the boys retell the stories we’ve shared, you’d think they were there the day dad ate burnt pancakes, that I had prepared when I was a kid, with a smile on his face while sitting in his tighty whities. While they never got to meet him, we are painting a vivid picture of Grandpa Dean for them, tighty whities and all! 🙂
Thoughts of realizing that I’ve spent more years of my life living without him than I have with him.
Thoughts taking me back to the little girl I watched dancing on her daddy’s shoes at a recent wedding and feeling like it was just yesterday I was doing that with my own dad.
Thoughts of the crops that are growing next to the cemetery and wondering what our farming operation would look like today if he were still living.
Thoughts of wondering what he and mom would be doing together. It most certainly would include arriving late. I seemed to have inherited that trait. ha!
Thoughts about the traits of his I’m proud I inherited.
Thoughts about what he’d think about what my life looks like right now.
I had sadness, peace and pride while sitting at the grave. Sadness cause I miss him. Peace because I know I will see him again one day. And pride because I know he’d be proud of his little girl. He was always my number one cheerleader… no matter how much it embarrassed me. 🙂 I know he’s proud of the mom and woman I am.
On Memorial Day, whether you’ve lost a loved one in the military or otherwise, I’ll say a prayer for you. Regardless of how much time has passed, you are forever changed. May you find the positive in your loss and love others deeper, kinder, and harder. Love without regrets.
XOXOXO,
Heather
Heather is the owner of Sweet Lemonade Photography and co-owner of Sweet Darling Weddings. Life gave her a bunch of lemons (you can read a little more here) and by keeping her focus on God, finding the positive in each day, and surrounding herself with supporting, loving and encouraging people she has turned those lemons into the sweetest lemonade. This blog has been created to share her heart, her adventures and find ways to bless others. You can contact her at heather@sweetlemonadelife.com.
Beautifully written Heather!! Thinking of you and love you sweet friend!
Thanks Jana! So thankful for new friendships like yours!