The Scale Almost Broke Me

Taking care of myself has always had it’s ups and downs… and been very consistent with my emotional state. My post about the day I cried at the gym described a lot about the weight I carried in 2015 and now trying to get it off, again, in 2016.

I walked back into a gym this past November, after almost a 6 month break, nearing the heaviest I’ve ever been.  I started working out about 3 times a week yet still ate fast food almost daily and easily consumed 40-60 ounces of regular Mountain Dew daily.

Regardless of my poor eating, I was feeling better just because I was doing something physical.

For almost the last 3 weeks, I have not had Mountain Dew.  I haven’t had a sip of ANY soda at all.  Went cold turkey, and surprisingly no withdrawal headaches this time around.   In addition, I’ve only had fast food once (which was a daily occurrence) since January 1st and watching my portions in general.  I’m still not making the best choices but I’m conscientious of my choices and portions.

Here’s a little rundown of 2016 so far-

• Getting in workouts 5 times a week.  No excuses.
• No soda at all
• Drinking 80- 100 ounces of water daily
• Only eaten fast food once in 3 weeks (driven through a few times for boys and didn’t even order a soda other times)
• When I eat chips, I grab 10 instead of eating the whole bag
• I eat 2 small Dove chocolates instead of 12
• Drinking my shake filled with nutrients every morning before I exercise
• Instead of ordering a large pizza, I got one slice when one of my kids requested pizza.  Because let’s be real…. I typically eat 4 slices of Casey’s pizza as a meal with at least 1 liter of Mountain Dew.
• Skipped popcorn and pop at the movies.  Snuck in my water and almonds instead.
• We’ve prepared majority of the meals at home, and much healthier than normal
• You know how many freaking calories I’ve cut from my diet just with those changes?!  It’s pretty drastic.

All great changes.  Since going to the gym 5 days a week and conscientious with my eating, I’ve noticed….

• One layer of fluff is gone
• I’m stronger
• I am starting to notice small muscle definition in my arms… when I’m turned at the right angle and flexed and lighting is JUST right, I see it!
• I have more energy
• I’m motivated to do more in my business and personal life
• I care more about the meals I’m preparing for my family
• I am taking more time to care about myself in other ways, like washing my face with cleanser and applying facial lotion daily again.  Yeah, I know… seems like a simple thing most do all the time.  For me, when I struggle mentally even that is a challenge.  Now, I wake up not feeling daunted by adding one, seemingly simple, thing into my morning routine.
• I’m even applying makeup and getting out of my sweats some days. Come on, I work at home so it would be crazy for me to get out of them everyday.
• My fuse is a little longer
• My concentration seems to be a bit better.  With self-diagnosed (and confirmed by friends) ADHD, it’s always tough for me to stay on track but it is better.
• Even though I’m not where I want to be, I’m looking for and finding the positive changes/feelings I’m noticing within me.

Then I stepped on the scale 5 days ago, and now….

• I notice my thick legs
• I see the one roll of back fat that is still there
• I feel like I have shoulders as broad as Incredible Hulk
• I am mad at myself
• I have  been completely preoccupied with the number I saw
• I notice my belly jiggling
• I look in the mirror and pick at all the things I don’t like
• I cried
• I tried on clothes trying to figure out what I’m wearing to Mexico and I cried some more
• I saw a picture of myself and told my mom I looked pregnant
• I’ve said hateful things to friends about myself

All because of a freaking scale and the 3 numbers I saw.  I’m 30 pounds heavier than I was a year a half ago.  I haven’t been on the scale in probably 5 months so honestly, I’m sure it had been even higher.  But I saw that number and all those positive thoughts and changes I was focusing on went out the window and I was back to negative self talk.  It’s been all consuming for several days.

And guess what I did last night? I pouted.  I ordered an entire pizza and ate half of it.  But guess what?  I did NOT get pop. I drank water.  I don’t think you understand the success in this decision.  Pizza and pop go together better than orange and blue in my world.  It’s a sin not to have the 2 together.  But I did it.

And guess what I did today?  I went back to the gym and cranked through a work out.  My stomach shook when I started pushing the sled.  I got mad.  So the next round of the weighted sled I pushed harder and faster. Instead of doing overhead carries with 35 pounds, I used 55 pounds.   And I drank 25 ounces of water before I left the gym.

Regardless of how slow the changes are physically, the changes were almost immediate mentally when I started taking care of myself again and I won’t allow the scale to have so much power of me anymore.

That scale ALMOST broke me.  But it didn’t.  And it won’t.