Choose Love, Not Fear- Learning to release the deep rooted fear that I don’t deserve love.

The past few years have provided me with lots of opportunities to learn, grow and move on to a better life.  After my divorce became official about 18 months ago, I finally had the energy and mental space to focus on other things.  Just one year ago, after returning from a life changing workshop in Mexico, I chose to chase my dream to run my Sweet Lemonade Photography business full time.  I’ve learned so much about what it takes to run a successful business.  It’s been such an exciting and freeing year for me.  The confidence I’ve gained in myself, the joy that has been finding me again, and the sheer happiness for where I am in life has been wonderful.

And then something happened.  I hit a snafu I wasn’t expecting.  I guess I figured after the divorce was final, I assumed it would be ‘nothing but up from here on… forever.’  My mind knows that is not possible.  There will always be peaks and valleys.  That is life.  I know I can’t keep getting a faster time in a mile run every single time. Well that makes it sound like I run a lot.  I don’t. ha!  I know I can’t always keep getting a new ‘highest sale ever’ for each Sweet Lemonade Photography session I have.  And my mind also knows I can’t be on top of the world mentally and emotionally every single minute of every single day.   But sometimes the heart doesn’t get that memo.  Sometimes while all of this is perfectly normal and to be expected, my heart is quick to think I’ve failed.

I’ve been in a funk and I just couldn’t shake it without help which I talked about here.  And the meds weren’t effective this time like they usually are.  So I went back to my counselor, saw my doc again to discuss my meds and started reading a book called The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein.  My view when reading this book is God Has Your Back!

I’m only a few chapters in but the premise behind this book is similar to having Faith in God or Fear… you can’t have both at the same time.  Gabrielle refers to it as choosing love over fear.  “Whenever we align our thoughts with love, we can truly feel the presence of the Universe (God) behind us.  As you begin to shift your perceptions out of fear, it’s important to get clear about the world you want to see.  Many folks can get hung up about this concept because even though they are willing to surrender fear, a deep rooted feeling that they don’t deserve love remains.”

Stop.  Read that last sentence again.

“Many folks can get hung up about this concept because even though they are willing to surrender fear, a deep rooted feeling that they don’t deserve love remains.”

“… a deep rooted feeling that they don’t deserve love remains.”

Guys.  This is me.

Emotional abuse leaves permanent scars but, as with physical scars, thankfully in time they fade. They will always be there but they become less noticeable.  I’ve done a lot of self exploration and have come to realize the issues that I thought were about me, never were.  I was not worthless.  I am not worthless!  But when you’re told things that make you feel inferior, you begin to believe them.  I must focus on God’s truths, God’s love, God’s desires for me.  Oh that is powerful!

But my insecurities can, without warning bubble to the surface, in unexpected ways or moments, magnifying the remaining doubt about my own truths that I have to continually challenge.  That is the devil trying to keep us from the full joy in life we deserve and the joy God wants us to have.  I’ve given the enemy too much power by allowing him to see my fear and he’s been gaining ground lately. No more.

I deserve love but I was made to feel like I didn’t deserve it.  I deserve happiness but actions were made toward me in the past to hinder that.  I deserve to be confident but for most of my adult life, I felt worthless because of words by others.  I deserve to be proud of my accomplishments in life but all of them were belittled and made me feel insignificant. Worthless.

Wounds take a while to heal.  Sometimes when we think they’re healing we realize too late we missed a step.   When we get a cut, the first thing we should do is clean it out so it doesn’t get infected, right?   THEN apply a band-aid.  Well, sometimes in our haste to move forward with life after being broken, we get so eager to heal that we slap a band-aid on it and ‘close it’.  We don’t open up the wound to expose the mess inside, a critical step to assess the damage, before we bandage it.   Once we see the damage we have to clean it.  So I feel like recently, I’ve been infected.  I did not fully clean my wound, my heart and soul, these past few years because it was confusing, exhausting, and painful.  I was just eager to move on.    I’ve discovered the step I missed and I’m ready to focus on it… flush the debris out.  The great news is, with swift proper care and attention, infections go away and leave less of a permanent mark than if it went left untreated.

I deserve love.  And I’m not referring to a man’s love.  I deserve to love me.  I deserve happiness.  I deserve contentment.  I deserve it all.  God tells me so.

I am the dreamer of my dream and I am prepared to work on putting my focus back on love, letting fear take a backseat.  This will be a lifelong process but getting back to love quicker each time I allow fear to creep in the more content I will be.   My plan is to read, pray, journal, continue to work through the icky stuff in my past with my counselor, reflect on the negative feelings I have, acknowledge them but take away their power by reminding myself of the TRUTHS.

If you’re struggling, take comfort in knowing God loves you. And soon, you will be ready to rip the band-aid off to properly treat your wounds too.  Get ready to dream again, my friend!