I fell for it. I engaged. Over the years, I’ve learned more about narcissism and how to best handle interacting with them. In my previous post, I talked about the bullying behavior and not owning their thoughts as my own. However, recently, I made the mistake of engaging with the narcissist. I fell into the old pattern of having blame, shame and guilt thrown at me. And it didn’t feel good. Gaslighting… to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. They are masters at it. Want to learn more? You can read 11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting. Thankfully, through continual practice of the knowledge I’ve gained about narcissistic behavior, the less often I’m falling into that trap. But it still happens. The other day, I engaged for too long and it left me feeling frustrated and emotionally exhausted.
Why shouldn’t you engage with a narcissist? Whether it’s a spouse, co-worker or family member, dealing with a narcissist is incredibly toxic. Removing toxic people from your life completely is the best option but also not always possible. Limiting your exposure to them is the best advice I can give you. Here’s what I’ve learned about communicating with a narcissist and why you should never interact with one any more than absolutely necessary.
WINNING IS NECESSARY
They do not have a team mentality. Their team is me, myself and I. They must win. At all costs. Regardless of the pain caused to your or anyone else. Discussing a situation rationally is not something they are capable of… or at least choose not to participate in based on my experiences. Conversations with a narcissist are not productive.
CONTROL
The more out of control a narcissist feels themselves, the harder they will work to control you. The happier you are with your life, the harder they will work to control you, physically or emotionally. The more successful in life you are, the harder they will work to control you. The more independence you gain, the harder they will work to control you. The stronger the relationships you create with friends and family, the harder they will work to control you. Do you see a pattern? Take it as a compliment when you are targeted by someone with narcissistic qualities because they see something in you they desire. You are living and loving life well and they are miserable. Recognize it and protect yourself from falling into their traps.
Interaction with a narcissist can quickly spiral out of control. And that’s exactly what they want. Limit your interaction. The less you say, the fewer opportunities there are for them to try to take up some of your headspace.
Toxic people feel threatened by your strengths. They will attempt to undermine or control you by limiting your peace of mind, happiness or success.
WHAT QUESTION?
Most mature people can have conversations where one person asks a question and the other person answers the question. Narcissists do not like when others have any control… even if it’s as simple as controlling a conversation by asking a question. It’s even more difficult when the answer to your question if they answer honestly, will make them look bad. Most narcissists don’t have the capability to feel bad but they very much care about the way they appear to others on the exterior. They are good are creating a facade but unfortunately, their true feelings and motives do not match what they project.
We all make mistakes. We all make choices or react in a way that later on wish we would have handled differently. That’s human nature. But narcissists believe they can do no wrong. It’s always someone else’s problem or issue. Not theirs. And they will never answer anything that confirms dishonesty, immorality, or anything even as simple as acknowledging a mistake, that tarnishes their appearance. Narcissists methodically, through deception, craft a thin outer shell for the entire world to see that gives the appearance of being perfect. They do not want to provide any opportunities for that shell to crack. Because of that, they are excellent at evading the question and then turning the conversation in a completely different direction. They are skilled at deflecting and redirecting. If you’re not careful, you will find you’ve gone down a rabbit hole of an interrogation about YOU that is completely turned away from the initial, often innocent/insignificant question directed at THEM. Did you read the gaslighting article? You should.
MANIPULATIVE
Remember that rabbit hole I mentioned? Well, narcissists are very good at manipulating. The second you start explaining yourself or your actions to a narcissist I wish red sirens and smoke alarms would start going off in your head. Don’t do it. This is what they want. You have given them words and thoughts to twist in a way that might make you question yourself. They might make you feel vindictive, untrustworthy or selfish. And let me tell you, they are excellent at it. If you allow their words to soak in, you will start second-guessing your actions and intentions. Certain questions should be answered. It’s the respectful thing to do. Specific items should be addressed. It’s the productive thing to do. Beyond that, they are not entitled to further discussion. You do not owe them anything. Do not give them that control.
Disengage. * sirens are sounding, red lights are spinning * You are feeling attacked. Disengage. They are calling you names. Disengage.
Perspective
A narcissist’s opinion of me was shared with me that questioned my character. That’s nothing new. This person also pointed out that others I care deeply about were in agreement with his opinion. Reading that crushed me… temporarily.
It was short-lived, only a few hours. Why? Because knowledge is power. That’s the beauty of learning more about the motives and personality traits of those around you. Are the words said in love? Are the words shared out of anger or jealousy? Are they wanting to control you… the way you think about yourself? Are they looking for ways to manipulate a situation?
That statement made to tear me down and ruin me emotionally provided an opportunity. It provided me with the courage to have an open and honest conversation with the other people that were mentioned. I was able to hear their true feelings… not the twisted version through the eyes of another person. I was able to express my true desires and wishes. I was able to walk them through specific situations, asking them questions and allowing them to come to their own conclusions. I want them to know how to decipher their feelings from the feelings of others that may get projected on them. I want them to know their thoughts matter. I want them to know their feelings matter. I want them to learn how to process their feelings and express them in a positive way. I want them to know they matter to me.
Perspective means seeing the bigger picture. “You cannot control or change the other person, but you can take control and impact change for yourself. Ask yourself what matters most in the situation. A narcissist is skilled at reeling you in, getting you into “their” world, their stories, and their perceptions. Try to see this as soon as you can and then step back to look at the bigger picture.” Psychology Today
The bigger picture for me is focusing on those that matter most. The bigger picture is finding the beauty each and every day. The bigger picture is ‘this too shall pass.’ The bigger picture is how I react and live will, in the long run, provide me greater rewards than anything earned here on Earth.
Perspective matters. It’s the whole glass-half-full/half-empty debate. It’s the same amount of milk but your perception is how you see it. How do you want to live? I choose to live seeing life positively. The words meant to hurt me provided me with an opportunity to nurture the relationships of those that matter most to me. Amazing how something so negative can create such a positive outcome. That’s life. There is always beauty in the storms. You just have to look for it.
Just because someone says something about you, it does not make it true. I know my character. I know my motives. I know my heart. And I know I’m loved by those that matter most. That’s all that matters.
XOXOXO,
Heather
