I need help. And it’s ok. Asking for help is a sign of strength.

Is anyone else stubborn?  Or is it just me?  ha!

After my third child was born, things chemically changed in me.  It didn’t help that I had a husband that more often than not left for work before the kids woke up and came home after they went to bed, or if he was home he was rarely involved in their care.  I had 3 babies under the age of 4 and I felt like a single mom.  I loved my little humans with every ounce of my body and cared for them the best I could but I wasn’t feeling ‘right’.  I fought it for a long time trying to will myself to get better, be happier, and get over it. I had no reason to be sad, right?  I had three healthy boys and I had the privilege to stay home with them.  What was wrong with me?

It was a lonely place to be. I started seeing a counselor who early on suggested depression meds.  I wouldn’t take them.  I didn’t need them.  I talked about my feelings, my energy, my marriage.  I read suggested books, added things like exercise as suggested but I refused to take pills.

I am strong. I had been doing so much by myself that I knew I could conquer this too without drugs.

Then one day, it hit me and I knew I needed help.

I remember reliving that exact moment when I met with my counselor the following week. I told him, “Last week, my kids were on the floor and I’m sitting on the couch watching them play.  And I thought to myself, I should get down and play with them.  I told myself again to get down there and play.  But my body was unwilling to cooperate.  I sat on the couch almost glued to it unable to do what I wanted to do.  I wanted to play with my boys and I couldn’t get my body to move.  I need help.  I’m tired.  And I’m ready to try the medicine.”

And I spent the rest of our hour sobbing.  When I spoke the words, “I need help” the flood gates opened.  I accepted what the doc knew years before.  I needed help.  And now I KNEW it.  And I cried.

Tears of tiredness.  I’ve fought for so long and I couldn’t fight this ‘alone’ any longer.

Tears of acceptance.  I’m no longer in denial and willing to accept my situation and figure out the next step.

Tears of relief.   I’ve asked for help and it was a relief to know I might start feeling more like myself again.

I was fortunate that it didn’t take trying multiple medicines to find one that worked for me.  It was almost an immediate change that continued to improve as it takes several weeks for the meds to reach full effectiveness.    I was so thankful I finally admitted I needed help.

Crisis Nursery’s motto, where I’ve volunteered the last 10 years or so (and even worked there for a bit), is “Asking for Help is a Sign of Strength”.  I finally had the strength to ask for help… and it felt good.  Speaking of Crisis Nursery, I never needed to use their services because I had such a wonderful local support of family and friends but my struggles with depression is one of the many reasons why Crisis Nursery has open doors 24/7.  Whether you’re a mama who is about to lose it and needs a break from her kids, or there is a work related emergency and you have no one to watch your children, or maybe one of your kids has to go to the hospital and you need your other kids to have a safe, caring, loving, environment.  These are all reasons ANYONE in Champaign County can call them and ask for help.   Remember, it is a sign of strength to ask for help.  It took me a while to accept that same truth.  But when I did I was thankful.

I have never once felt like my depression put my kids in danger. I have never once felt like it was affecting my ability to care and nurture my children.  I have no doubt that my boys know they are fiercely loved by me.  But depression does affect my ability to react when they whine or fight.  My fuse is short.  And it does inhibit me from fully relishing the moments I have with them.  And I’m not willing to allow that to continue.  I love my boys too much to not be living a joy filled life and cherishing each experience to the fullest.  I refuse to let depression take that away. I love these boys too much to allow that.

Fast forward 10 years, and I have tried many times to go without my medicines.  I don’t like having to rely on a pill even though it’s obvious I need it.  I often forget about taking the pill.  It shouldn’t be that hard to remember to take it but I do.  Maybe I ‘forget’ on purpose?!  I don’t know. I still go through seasons where I struggle.   It’s hard to admit it’s a lifelong thing for me.

Last fall when I got busy, I made excuses to stop exercising. That’s the worst thing I could do cause I get such a high from exercising.  Aside from the medicine, exercise in the next best thing for my mood.  Exercise alone can’t get me to my best mentally but it sure does help immensely.  And at some point, I stopped taking my meds again.  I’m noticing it’s a cyclical thing each year for me with my motivation, exercise and willingness to take meds.  It’s not healthy to start and stop meds but it’s been my cycle.  And I’ve hit the point again where I can’t do it.  I can’t fake it anymore and pretend I can do it without my meds.

I’m working on a triple whammy to get up and running again…. exercise (started again several weeks ago), light therapy and my meds.

Took my first pill again today.  I want my insides to match my outsides again.   I’m tired of really fighting to find every ounce of energy to be the person I want to be… the person I know I am.  At the end of the day, I’m exhausted.  I don’t deserve to feel this way.  I’m tired of standing in my own way.   If I had cancer that required me to take chemo, I would do it.  If I had high blood pressure, I would take those pills.  Why do I stand in the way of my health and choose not to take these?

So today, I start again.

For those of you struggling…. I encourage you to ask what else could you be doing to feel better.   Exercise?  Healthier eating?  Medicine?  Taking “you” time?  Prayer?  Counseling?  I encourage you to stop resisting.  You don’t have to do it alone.   There is help.  You just need to be brave enough to ask.

Be brave!  You deserve it… and those you love deserve the best you too.

 

XOXOXO,

Heather

 

Heather is the owner of Sweet Lemonade Photography and co-owner of Sweet Darling Weddings located in central Illinois (Mahomet).  Life gave her a bunch of lemons (you can read a little more here) and by keeping her focus on God, finding the positive in each day, and surrounding herself with supporting, loving and encouraging people she has turned those lemons into the sweetest lemonade.  This blog has been created to share her heart, her adventures and find ways to bless others.  You can contact her at heather@sweetlemonadelife.com.